‘We all have the capability of being toxic to another, when we are around people who are not truly aligned with us‘ -Me
I wanted to start with this message because if we do have a negative effect on others it doesn’t necessarily mean we are ‘bad’. It just means we need to spend some time on developing ourselves.
I’ve always found it hard to find people, who I feel, are on the same wave length as me. I do not open up to people overnight and unfortunately in life this has often meant that I’ve been overlooked for somebody more ‘fun’.
I’ve been fortunate in my adult life to realise that this is actually a blessing. I have watched from the side lines the dramas others have in their (apparent) friendships and have been thankful that this is a problem I do not have. It’s so easy to see a toxic relationship from the outside looking in but much harder to identify a toxic relationship when you yourself are in one.
I only have a handful of people in my life, who I would consider are my true friends. After losing my dad, their value became even more apparent-thanks to their support. It also took losing my dad to realise how much on a different path I was on compared to others. The weeks and months afterwards I found it very hard to absorb other people’s ‘problems’. Why? Quite simply, after experiencing such a massive trauma, it became even clearer, who of those around me have more growing to do on their life journey. That’s not to say that I’m not growing myself continuously, we all are. It’s just that certain life events will make individuals focus more on what actually matters to them. At the time of losing my dad, I had no energy myself, so I had to focus on healing, I had no energy to spare on others, who were not for my highest good.
This is a habit I have absolutely kept at the forefront. While, I have made massive steps forward in my healing I still know that one toxic encounter could set me back. I am grateful and content in the friendships that I do have and therefore have accepted they are all I need. That’s not to say I’m not up for meeting new people, but I no longer will try to force friendships or try to fit in when I don’t. I’ve learnt that those truly on your wave length, will naturally and easily, slot into your life.
Why are we afraid of being alone?
As I mentioned earlier, looking from the outside in, it is easy to spot toxic relationships. I see friendships that are clearly causing: stress, unhealthy habits and unwelcoming cliques. Yet, those people would rather stay in those relationships than walk away. What are we afraid of? Growing up I used to see that other people’s phones would ‘light up’ more than mine, or they would be constantly on a call to someone and social media accounts constantly on a backlog. We have this need to feel popular but this can damage our light and how authentic other people see us. Getting caught up in these unhealthily social habits also means we give others too much of our power and hinder our own soul’s progress.
Currently, I’ve never been in a better place when it comes to the people who are around me. I know that they are there when I need them and they know that I am there for them when they need me. I no longer sit watching my phone like I used to waiting for somebody to ‘pop up’ nor do I start random conversations just to feel wanted. The conversations that happen with people around me, happen very naturally. That doesn’t mean to say that I don’t like a good moan every now and then-we are all human at the end of the day.
Spotting a Toxic Relationship
We live such busy lives but I always recommend taking some time out for yourself. We have to find time to refill our inner reservoir. It’s also important to take time out from our social lives. The universe is very clever, mostly you’ll find that as you grow those that you thought served you, no longer do. However, we are creatures of habit and it can be hard to identify relationships that are holding us back from our true selves. Here are some clues I’ve come across myself over time. Now I know that if I come across these to lovingly accept and acknowledge that individual but then walk away.
Sometimes if someone around you is struggling, you know that they will probably need some of your power in order to feel themselves again. We all want to be there for the people we care about, during these periods those doing the supporting will feel tired. But, ultimately we do it because ‘a’, we know that they would do the same for us but ‘b’, quality relationships come with the acceptance that bumps happen. However, there is another type of exhaustion, which you should look out for. Watch out for relationships that make you feel drained continuously. Relationships should be fun and respectful not feel like a full time job. When you feel you are giving up too much of your power and it is not coming from a place a love, it may be time for you to reevaluate your relationship with that person.
We all feel protective over our relationships, there is nothing wrong with standing up for others and speaking your truth. However, I’ve met people before, who you can see are not happy sharing their friend with others. It can almost feel like a tug of war over the mutual person involved. Your most important power is freedom and when somebody attempts to constrain this, not only does it effect your energy levels but also takes you away from your life path. Remember relationships should work with you and not against you. While those who behave in this way may not be coming from a bad place, non the less, it’s a signal to you that that person is not truly aligned with your soul.
All relationships have their ups and downs that is the nature of life itself. However, relationships should not consist of continuous low troughs and then high peaks. Relationships that are for your highest good should be stable and consistent. Life brings its own problems we do not need problems from others and most of all we do not need relationships that feed of our energy by reading our own behaviours. In my opinion, there is nothing worse than others trying to tell you why you may be behaving in a certain way. Most the time I’ve found people, who do this, are only doing so as a way to take back their control and power. But, it’s a highly toxic method and not in anyone’s best interest. I’ve also found that those individuals, who tell other people about their flaws/behaviours are: very intense, needy, exhausting, highly insecure and obsessive. The list could go on…these individuals are fighting their own demons but the way they are trying to control them does not come from a place a love and has detrimental effects on the person on the receiving end.
It can be awkward releasing people who no longer serve you. I’ve found that life itself is very clever in allowing these individual to pass by organically. Sometimes you’ll find that you’ll have to experience something that has really effected you, for you to realise that enough is enough. Remember even if someone has really rubbed you up the wrong way, reacting and responding from a place of love is the best way to cut off those individuals. Leaving any relationship negatively will impact both parties involved. It can also leave behind hatred and this negative energy once attached to you can be hard to shift.
My tip: If you feel something has been left badly and you feel comfortable enough to approach that individual, then do. Remember as long as you come from a place of love, then that is all that matters. Telling somebody that you don’t think you’re aligned anymore can be tough but is in the best interest of both of you. If you feel that you cannot approach that individual then the best thing you can do is just to come to peace with the end of that relationship yourself.
I like to visualise any situation in my life, which has not been left in the best way, as a balloon. I imagine that balloon being filled with that negative memory/situation and quite simply I focus on letting go of the string. As I imagine the balloon floating away I say sorry to that person/situation and why, but also, thank you. Why is this important? Because everything that is presented to you in life has done so to help us grow. So say thank you to that person for teaching you something about yourself. In doing this it helps bring a great sense of peace.
-Quite simply surround yourself with people who are for your highest good.
-It’s fine for people to come in and out of your life.
-Saving a relationship based on the length of time you have been involved with that person is not a good enough reason to maintain a relationship no longer aligned with you.
-It’s fine to sometimes have to give your power to a friend in need when the problem is genuine and is all coming from a place of love. But when relationships take your power without your permission it is not healthy.
-Take time to be on your own, stillness allows time for you to connect with your soul and allows you to evaluate: the path your are on, where you are heading and who you want to accompany you along the way.